Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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