I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Two words: nipple clamps
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