the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
