the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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