Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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