you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
