I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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