theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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