In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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