Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
