Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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