Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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