I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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