I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
