Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
