It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
