"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
