He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
