walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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