Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
