Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When are your genitals available?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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