It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
