The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
