also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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