When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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