Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
