So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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