i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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