my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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