I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
