I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize