I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
