My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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