My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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