Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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