we're blogging at a bar
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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