my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
