He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
