It's Friday. Sex?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
