A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
