why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
