I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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