Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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