but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize