I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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