P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
