Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
