I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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