Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
