Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize