I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize