I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
