dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he high fived his dick after we had sex
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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