he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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