So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
