You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
