Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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