Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
