Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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