I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
