i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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