a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
