from now on my penis is your penis
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
