you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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