Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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