Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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