actually, I'm a sock model
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
