I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
