it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
